A Letter to Zoe Sugg (AKA Zoella) About 'Girl Online'

Dear Zoe,

I'm a fan of yours, let's start off with that. I do genuinely like you. Not that it really matters, who cares if people like you? I'm just an eighteen year old girl half way across the world sitting in my bedroom resisting the urge to run to the fridge and get myself some left over pizza. But you too are just a girl, halfway across the world, perhaps sitting in your bed, perhaps tempted by pizza. We've both been inspired by people. We've both inspired people. On paper we're not that different. But when you take into consideration the fact that you have 6 million subscribers on YouTube (me being one of them), a beauty range and a newly published and highly successful book we are. I have a few thousand followers on a fanpage about fandoms and stuff. The most reads I've ever received on a book of mine on Wattpad (Nora by AFairyTaleEnding if you ever want to read it, which you probably don't) is 9 thousand. When you compare the people who know of our existence there's a big gap. A huge one. But I'm not afraid to reach out and try and cross it. I'm a bit of an adventure woman like that *cue inspirational music*. 

I love your vlogs, I love your positivity, I love what you're doing for mental health. You are a good role model (not that I really believe in them, we shouldn't model our behaviour on anyone because you see, what happens is the lines get blurred and we can't see our role models good and bad traits but hey let's talk about that another time). What I don't love is that you had your book ghost written. I know it hasn't been said directly but by now we all know that you did not write Girl Online. It's been said in so many words. Ambiguous ones but clear enough. You had it mostly done for you. Yes I'm sure you came up with the characters, the plot which is an achievement. But it's not the same as writing a book. Maybe you wrote a few paragraphs, a chapter which is once again an achievement but it is not the same as writing a book. It's just not. And if you didn't write at least 80% of the novel, then you don't (sorry if this sounds harsh) deserve your name on the front of that book. You don't deserve the praise you've gained from it and you don't deserve your 6 million dedicated fans going out and snapping it up off shelves. Why? Because it's not yours, and you claimed it to be. You promised to naive and supportive fans that this was a book written by you, for them. Personally I don't really care, I had a feeling from the start it was ghost written and I'm not offended or shocked in the least. Actually that's a wee lie. I'm offended as a writer. As someone who's main goal is to have a book published. I've written two, started and got halfway through a dozen others. And I know the blood sweat and tears that goes into writing. It's bloody awful, but it's worth it. Even if I only have a few hundred people read it for free on the internet, it's worth it. Why? Because it's mine. I created it, every single bit of it. I can say, I wrote that. Can you say the same for Girl Online? Sure you're going to get paid, you're going to widen your fan base but you didn't write it. Deep down you know this isn't yours. I too could hand off a list of characters and a plot outline to someone like Siobham Curham and say, make this into a novel. If I had the legion of fans that you do. But I don't. And even if I did I wouldn't want to. Because it's not right, it's not honest and it's not mine.

Here's the thing, I'm not mad because this is going to make you more successful than you already are or because you have a book published and I don't (though it is a tiny bit infuriating, just a tiny bit). I'm upset because there are millions of gullible kids out there who've gone and bought your book and said, 'Oh wow, I'm so proud of Zoe, because she made this. This is hers and I'm going to support her and I love it.' But it's not yours. You used your position as a celebrated person to take the money of teenagers, and probably some adults too, without putting in the work. If you can't write a book, don't write one and don't pretend you did. It's not rocket science. You already have so much, this is not depriving you. If you really, truly do want to write a book then write it. It's hard, I'm sure you'll figure that out once you get a few hundred words in. Then once it's done, try and get it published. Don't get someone else to do it for you and act self righteous when people are outraged that lo and behold you didn't actually write a book you're selling as your own. You said this was your dream, to write a novel. Make it happen then. Don't just say it because you want people to believe you wrote Girl Online. 

I do like you Zoe. And I'll support your Youtube channel, what you're doing for mental health (because I too suffer from anxiety and panic attacks and know how horrible they are) and whatever else you do in the future that you put the hard yards into. But this? This book that you did not spend hours slugging away at, no. Because firstly, ghost writing annoys me. As a writer and as a reader. Personally I think it should be illegal, isn't it really fraud in a way? And secondly because you were dishonest. You, like all other people that did not write their books, pretended you did. And now there are teenagers everywhere supporting you. They are standing up and saying 'It's okay that she didn't write it, she said she was going to get help.' But an editor is one thing, someone writing the entirety of the novel is another. Or 'Leave her alone, she does so much already with YouTube, she's busy'. Fair enough, I'm sure you are busy. We all are. Doesn't mean we use it as an excuse when we don't write our books. You have these girls and boys defending your wrongs, how is that right? You're encouraging them to be placid about dishonesty, about the downfalls of the celebrity industry. Because let's be honest her Zoe, you're quickly becoming one. Is any of that right? That you're getting credit for a book you didn't write? That your 'loyal' fans are saying it's okay? It doesn't sit right with me and I feel that if you had any kind of moral compass it wouldn't sit right with you either. 

The hate you're receiving for this, is not okay. I understand that it must be incredibly hard with your anxiety. I have it too and I know how difficult it is to deal with and I can only imagine what is must be like when something like this happens. But people telling you that you've done something kind of, how do I put this, repulsive and dishonest is not wrong. It's letting young people know that you shouldn't take credit for other people's work just because you can. Is it really any different to a school kid paying their friend to do their assignment? To me, what you've done is actually worse. And with your audience comprised mostly of impressionable kids how are they meant to know the difference? 

I think the reason why you're really feeling the punch on this one is because you know, I know you know, that what you've done is detrimental. Or maybe not, because then you wouldn't have done it in the first place. 

I like you Zoe, I really do. But I don't like this. And I think it's time I told you. 

Xoxo Fangirl Out 

Naked and Celebrated

A nude, is a nude, is a nude.

I'm sure by now we have all heard about the fiasco with the leaking of a bunch of celebrities naked selfies (otherwise known as a nude). It came as a shock to most of us that several of our favourite public personalities had, had their most intimate of photos shared for the world to see. I know it surprised me. I couldn't believe it. But I unlike others was not shocked because these celebrated people had taken a risky picture of their private bits, no I was shocked that some major douche bag had taken the liberty of leaking them.

Let's face it, many people have taken a nude. You may not think it sensible or 'tasteful' but people do it and it's not your place to judge them on it, or anything they do. It's not hurting you. They're not minors and they are fully capable of knowing what they're doing. Their life is their life, not yours. If you don't want to take a nude then don't. I know I'm not going to. But do I care if someone else does? No. I really don't. If they take one of me then yeah I'll probably beat them to death but that's not what they're doing. They are taking a photo of their body which they are entitled to do. And they are fully entitled to feel safe in the fact that other people aren't going to post them everywhere. That is the issue. We focus more on judging these girls rather than catching the pervy little loser who exposed them. Usually I don't call people pervy little losers but if you leak peoples private photos (especially when the said people are naked) then I'm sorry but you're going to have to deal with my loathing of you.

What this person did was wrong and essentially a sex crime. The hacker is now a sex offender. What they did was wrong not what the girls did. They, shockingly, were comfortable enough in their own bodies to take a picture of them and whether they want to use it for public or personal use they are allowed to do that. They are not a slut, a whore, a bimbo, a tramp, easy or trashy. They are just women who took photos of their bodies. Their is no such thing as a slut. It is not shameful to have lots of consensual sex. It is your business. What is shameful, and disgusting and outright wrong is hacking into people computers and phones and posting the photos on them for the world to see. That is a crime. The hacker is who needs to be punished, not these girls.

If you go and seek out those photos, then you too are violating these girls. They were never meant for your eyes and by taking even the tiniest of peaks you are participating in this crime. Do not feed your curiosity. Remind yourself that these are real people with feelings that are valid and they don't want you to look at them. It doesn't matter if they don't know that you did, because they won't. They won't put a face to the abuser but you will feel it in every fibre of your body that what you just did is wrong. At least I hope you will. Do not become one of the thousands that will think its harmless to look. Become a person that understands that to look at a photo not meant for you is a violation of their privacy, of their body and their well-being. Just because it was posted on TMZ and not a porn site doesn't mean its okay to look at. Don't make excuses for yourself. Do the easiest, most ethical thing possible and don't look. Don't even try.

This incident has reminded me of all the horrible people in the world and how quick they are to judge a person for their completely harmless actions, because they involve the female body, rather than the actual perpetrator. However it has also reminded me that there are people who do get the issue. While there have been a bunch of internet trolls hiding behind the safety of their computer screen calling the girls awful and untrue names there have also been many people who have taken the situation for what it is, a violation of privacy.

Lena Dunham, a great love of mine. Her TV show Girls is sublime and her sense of humour is like no other. She is someone I would be friends with in real life in a heartbeat. I wasn't surprised to see that she shared similar opinions to mine. Take a look at some of her tweets.

Lena Dunham oh how you make the world a better place with your hilarity and intellect. Thank you for understanding what needs to be said. You are my hero.


Next let's take Caitlin Stasey. I remember watching Miss Stasey as Rachel Kinski on Neighbours and loving her. When she left the show she played Ellie Linton in Tomorrow, When the War began and did an AMAZING job. Now she's an advocate of women's rights and a believer in the free the nipple movement. She's probably my favourite person in the world when it comes to this sort of stuff. She isn't afraid to vocalize her opinions and show women that your body isn't shameful and it is YOURS and if you wanna get nakey, THEN GET NAKEY. Let's take a look at her tweets about this awful happening and maybe you'll see why I love her so much.

And of course the lovely Emma Watson also put in her two cents. Emma Watson, thank you for being a good human being.

My point, in the end, is that what happened to these girls is awful. It's dreadful and makes me feel sick. As a fellow human and a fellow female I want to tell these women that I do not judge them, and the majority of the world thinks that what happened to you is horrible. I think taking a naked picture of yourself is the ultimate expression of body confidence and I applaud that, not shame it. Can we all please, just for once, as a population of living breathing humans who have gone through hardship as well acknowledge that a crime has been committed and it needs to be punished? Let's get these girls some justice and show people that they are not in the wrong, they have had their privacy violated but they are not sluts, they are not trashy and they are not in any way less of a person. They are still worthy. They are still human. They are still women.

I'd also like to say that whenever a leaking of a nude happens it isn't okay. Whether it's a celebrity or the girl down the road or Calum from 5 Seconds of Summer it's wrong. This incident has gotten the most attention because of the sheer number of people who had their privacy violated. However let's not forget that its not the first time this has happened. Don't not judge Jennifer Lawrence because you're her biggest fan but then go on to judge that girl in your class who sent a picture of her boobs to a boy in your class who then proceeded to leak them. That boy is the shameful one not the girl who sent the picture. Stand up for her rather than judge and don't forget that, that boy is a class A jerk for sharing her photo.

Xoxo Fangirl Out

Depression

When it's not just a bad mood

I don't like writing serious things (mostly). I'm more of a sarcastic writer, with a touch of comedy. However in light of recent events I've decided that some things need to be said. 

Adiós my friend.

A few days ago the great Robin Williams passed away, as we are all well aware. I was (and still am) a massive fan of Robin. He lit up my childhood with fabulous movies such as Mrs Doubtfire and Aladdin and then swooped into my teen years and moved me in movies such as Dead Poet's Society. Not only was he a fabulous comedian but he could delve into the darker side of acting. I loved that. As a lover of the dramatic arts myself I think that the most talented actors are those that showcase their range of talents. An actor that delivers the same (or very similar) performances consecutively for twenty years becomes dull, tiresome, forgettable. Mr Williams never gave the same performance twice. That to me, is pure talent. So I was heartbroken when I woke up the other morning to the news of his death. But what made is all the more devastating was the fact that it was suicide. For someone's only escape to be death, to me is the saddest of all tragedies. 

Suicide is not a joke. We all know that, we've heard the campaigns, been trampled by them. Everyone knows suicide is serious, that it leaves behind a catastrophe of grief and unanswered questions. The fact that this message seems to have finally gotten through is wonderful. But it's not enough. Suicide is the end. Once someone commits suicide there is no bringing them back, no helping them. They're gone. Well of course, I hear you saying, we're not idiots. No you're not. I'm not. We've got the message, suicide is serious. But what people don't seem to get is that depression is too. 

A person's mental health is important. Without it, doing the most simple of tasks seems utterly impossible. Just living is like wading through murky water with an anchor chained to your foot. All you want to do is shake off that anchor. But what the depressed (or anyone suffering from mental illness) don't understand is that it is the anchor that is supporting them, making sure they don't leave this world before they need to. It is the murky water which needs to become clear. Life is not the problem, depression is. 

Depression causes suicidal thoughts. Depression kills. Why is that message not sinking in yet? People don't wake up one day and out of the blue decide to take their own life. Something drives them to it. The most common cause is depression. This is a disease that does not just plague young people, people in hospitals or those already dying. Depression doesn't discriminate. It targets children, the middle aged, the elderly, the rich, the beautiful, the intelligent. Anyone can get depression and it can and will cause so much destruction, in that persons life, that it will drive them to commit the most permanent of acts. But before that it will eat away at that person, laugh at them, pock them, suffocate them. It will take away their purpose, their will, their life. 

Why do I stress this so much? Because people seem to think that depression is something that comes and goes for a few weeks, they think it takes away a person's smile and their happiness. Which it does. It robs you of both. But depression is greedy and once it takes those two things it will try and steal everything else. This is a disease that will make people someone that they are not. So is it really so shocking that it would make them want to die? 

But as we've learned, with the passing of Robin Williams, depression can make us into really great liars, pretenders, actors even off stage. Faking a smile is easy, smiling on the inside not so much. The happiest around you could also be the loneliest, the saddest. Look out for those around you. Don't just assume that because a person smiles and laughs and sings ninety percent of the time means things are all rainbows and puppies inside their head. Ask everyone how they are, not just the people who's mouth turns down. If a friend opens up to you, for gods sake listen. And guess what, just because a person is depression doesn't mean they can't smile or laugh. They will still have brief happy periods, good days. They just won't be like yours or mine. If you are depressed don't be afraid to reach out. Because not only does depression make liars of the depressed but it lies to you as well. It will make you think that death is the only solution, a quick fix. I get it. You only want relief, for your suffering to end. But I'm telling you, life is actually really bloody great. You don't want to miss the opportunity that you have been given because depression is prodding you with the false hope that death will cure you. Death is a permanent solution to a problem that is temporary (if you get the right help). Depression will not last forever and one day it will get better. I don't want to sound like everyone else, and I know that if you are depressed the promise of happy times in a not so distant future won't do much for you, but its the truth.

I know a lot of people who say that they want to help people. They say, "Well one day if I'm famous" or "One day when I'm a big shot lawyer" or "One day when I have more time" that they'll help save the world, the less fortunate, the unhappy. But dear friends today is your day. You have a voice and I have a voice. Doing little things helps. Saving the world isn't about donating large sums of money or becoming an ambassador. It is about using whatever you have in your disposal to make a difference. All I ask is that you use the voice you have been given to speak to those around you. Discuss the tragic passing of this great actor which will in turn hopefully lead you to discuss depression and its serious nature. Ask the people you know if they're okay. If there is someone who you think may be depressed, anxious, not eating enough please, please speak to them. A few words could lead them to open up to you; and if they do then you need to help that person and find them help. You can't save the world alone but you might be able to lead someone to save themselves. 

Xoxo Fangirl Out 

p.s Here are some links that will hopefully help you:

http://www.beyondblue.org.au/the-facts/depression

http://www.headspace.org.au/is-it-just-me/find-information/depression

https://www.lifeline.org.au/Get-Help/Get_Help?gclid=CMz6p_LClMACFZcnvQodNTEA-w

http://www.teenhealthandwellness.com/static/hotlines

http://psychcentral.com/lib/telephone-hotlines-and-help-lines/000173

http://addiction.lovetoknow.com/wiki/Depression_Hotlines

Persistance

When the persistent need to resist...

Persistence is an excellent thing. Many of the most famous and well recognised people were persistent. Helen Keller, Alexander the Great, Martin Luther King Jr, Winston Churchill just to name a few. However many things that are excellent also have a bad side. 

Ice cream is excellent, but if consumed in too large a quantity over long periods of time is not good for you. As a lover of ice-cream this saddens me beyond belief. Why can't ice-cream be healthy and lettuce be full of calories? Seriously.

Exercise is excellent. It keeps you fit and healthy and gives you those lovely little things called endorphins. But let's be honest, there is rarely a day when we think, 'Yippee today's squat day!' 

The internet is excellent. It has helped me with assignments, to meet people on the other side of the world and it has enabled me to watch cat videos and I love myself a cat video, or ten. However, like all excellent things the internet can be really bad. It enables all the miserable, bad people to voice their 'opinions' about how much they hate everything, seriously everything. These people can't let an article about whipped cream pass them by without commenting about how stupid it is. The internet is also really fantastic at distracting people from the real world. Sometimes I wonder if I'd be the professional procrastinator that I am without the world wide web. Most likely yes, but let's just pretend its all the internet's fault.

As you can see, the excellent can also be not so excellent. Persistence is one of those excellent things that is great in small to medium doses but it can also go too far. 

I recently experienced some serious persistence in action. The persistent person was someone whom I'd known vaguely for a around five years but had been

better acquainted them in the last year. They're a male, a fairly good person, nice and seemed interested in me. But I think that had more to do with the fact that I was a single female and he was looking for someone to date. I however was not. I was not attracted to him in the physical sense or the emotional sense. There was no sparks flying on my end. I wasn't going to date someone I didn't feel it with because guess what? That's a perfectly acceptable reason. You don't have to date someone just because they want to date you. You should never go out with someone just because you like the attention they give you. 

While I didn't want to get jiggy with him he was a cool guy, funny and so I kept talking to him because (this may come as a shock to you, brace yourself) I wanted to be his friend. Wow, how amazing that a girl should ever want to be just friends with a boy that likes her. How unkind of her. Also I felt partially sorry for him. He annoyed me a lot of the time but some of the time he was really great to talk to. I do this with female friends so why is it not okay when its a member of the male species?


I made it clear to him early on that I was neither looking to date him or anyone, and that wasn't going to change. This didn't seem to faze him though. He was surprisingly resilient to my rejections. It didn't deter him at all. He'd ask me out to the movies, to his football games, to his house at least once a week, usually more. It was frustrating. I didn't want to hurt him but I didn't want to give him the wrong idea. So I continued to tell him no, that I was busy or that I really just wasn't in to him. But the advances kept coming. Again and again and again. This happened over the course of a year and a half. Eventually I'd get so fed up I'd ignore him for months and then give in again.

Recently after not talking to him for around 3 months he started messaging me on Facebook for the thousandth time and so I thought, okay why not? I'd forgotten partially just how annoying he could be and how badly he was looking for a girlfriend. It was all cool for a weeks. Just a few invites to football matches (I don't even like football) and getting asked maybe three or four times if I was single. This for him was subtle, downplaying just how much he wanted to take me out. Then it started to turn up a notch. The asking out got more intense. Persistent Paul he was (his name isn't actually Paul). Then one night he asked me over to his house to watch a movie and he kept asking and asking and asking. I said no. No. No. No. I told him I didn't think of him that way. I told him I couldn't I was busy. I told him I just plain and simple didn't want to. But he wasn't listening. He kept going. And going and going and going. I got so fed up that I told him I had an almost boyfriend and that guy would not appreciate me hanging at some other dudes house. Finally he stopped. I'd thought about telling him this many times. Lying about having a boyfriend because I knew that would shut him up. I don't know how but deep in my gut I knew it would see him retreating off into the shadows.  

Funnily enough though, when I told people I'd done this, I was the bad guy (or rather girl). I was a liar. I was being unfair and harsh. I should have just been straight with him. They seemed to forget the fact that I had been. I'd been straight with him for a year and a half. Over and over and over. He didn't care. In the end he respected some guy he didn't known (that didn't even exist) more than my answer, no. But it was me who was in the wrong. 

Why is this so? 

I have some theories. Firstly I think it comes down to girls being told from infancy that if a guy loves you he will chase you. This is, mostly, true. But chasing is not okay if you're chasing someone who's running away from you. There comes a point in time when the chasing is no longer chasing and is just plain annoying. If the girl (or boy) continues to say no, continues to put you off either they really aren't into you (like in my case) or they're playing far to hard to get and you need to let that lady go. Pestering someone repeatedly is not romantic, so please girls and boys do not buy into this game. 

My second theory is that we're often made to feel that us girls (unless you're supermodel good looking) should fall into the arms of whoever holds even the slightest affection for us. Especially if they're a 'really nice guy'. Ladies and gentlemen let me tell you something, if a boy is so 'nice' he will be okay with being your friend, with you not being interested. Yes it may hurt them, of course. They do after all have feelings. However if they make you feel guilty, tell you they've been 'friendzoned' like your friendship is a consolation prize or put you down then they aren't very 'nice'. Like I said to this guy, we're allowed to say no aren't we? We don't have to accept any guy who wants to hold our hand. We're allowed to not find someone attractive and not want to go out with them. Provided you're polite about it (unless they don't seem to know how to accept no as an answer). You are allowed to surpass a prince if he's not charming in your eyes. 

Despite the whole situation with Persistent Paul (his anonymity I will endeavour to protect) it has taught me several important lessons. Never will I judge a girl who doesn't want to date a guy even though he's really into her. I now understand how annoying  that is and to a better extent, we are allowed to not like people romantically. It does not make us a bad or shallow person. I now realize that persistence is great but there comes a point in time when it needs to be turned down a notch (or seven in PP's case). Lastly it has taught me that never will I ever pursue someone so intensely, persistently and constantly as PP. May his courage and determination be warn down over time so that one day he will find a lucky lady that appreciates him but isn't pestered by him. 

Xoxo Fangirl Out 

Why It's Totally Okay To Be Quiet

The Quiet Girl Speaks. 

Here's the deal; all my life I've been told that it's 100% not okay to be the quiet girl. On all my school reports it said the same thing, "Charlotte is a lovely student and she's progressing very well, BUT she's shy. We want her to be less quiet and open up more." Every. Single. Time.

It annoyed me and it annoyed my parents. While they'd often get frustrated when I had trouble speaking to adults they didn't like to be told that their daughter wasn't the best she could be because she was naturally quiet. But here's the thing, there is absolutely nothing wrong with being the quiet girl. Why? Because it's YOU. If you are naturally an introvert, shy or just plain mute then that is who you are and you shouldn't change for anybody. Being quiet isn't a flaw; in fact I'm inclined to think that it's a strength.

When you're the girl (or the boy) who isn't the first to talk or barge into group activities you have several advantages. Firstly it means you get to observe. Since being alive for eighteen years I've noticed quite a bit and I believe it's helped me not only as a writer but as a person. I see what people are hiding, I notice little things in peoples face and tone of voice and I can pick up on what others might not want you to. It's meant that as a friend, a daughter, a sister and as a human being I've been able to be more compassionate and a better listener. Secondly it's meant that people take less notice of me. This is probably a really hard thing for the non quiet types to understand but us shy peeps hate being noticed. Not all the time, sometimes we do like to get some recognition but mostly we just like to blend in. When you're quiet this is easy. Makes sense doesn't it?

But do you know what's the best about not being noticed? It means that when you really do, do (hehe, do do) something worth noticing it's even more special. When I started high school no one in my class knew who I was apart from my friends. I was the quiet girl and yes people probably knew my name they didn't really pay much attention to me and that was fine.

Then towards the latter half of the year our class began doing drama as part of our rotational elective system that you do in year eight. I may be quiet but that doesn't meant I'm not talented. My mother was an actress and she passed that ability on to me which I'd only discovered I was good at the year before and that I actually really liked it. I liked being up on stage and being noticed. I know, I know it's really odd considering that I'm shy as hell. But when I'm acting, I'm performing. I'm not me, I am the character and I am confident as that character there is barely any Charlotte visible. It's only once I come off stage, high with the adrenaline rush that acting gives me, that I become self conscious about what I just did. Long story short I'm not bad at acting and I like it.

So back to the point, the first class that we did I got up there with my friends who knew I was good and were excited to see me get to finally be noticed. We did some ridiculous sketch that had the whole class in fits of laughter even our very conservative teacher. Back then I only did comedy and my fellow actors will know just how difficult it is to get up on stage or anywhere for that matter knowing that your main aim is to make people laugh. To my shock it got me noticed. My whole class suddenly knew who I was and I was interesting, I was the girl who'd made them all laugh and they hadn't even really known me prior to that. I was like some kind of delicacy. It was great, I liked having the attention and I liked people thinking I was good at something but I was still quiet. And after a while all the attention became annoying and then eventually went away to my relief. Yes I came out of my shell a teensy bit more and yes I was slightly more confident in myself and as part of my class but I was still shy. I was still me.

For me to try and be loud and upfront and the life of the party would not be staying true to who I was. Because I've tried. For a long time I've been trying to be anything but quiet but it has never worked. I've only ever made myself sick with anxiety and felt like I was putting on a show. I hated it. So now, finally, I am comfortable in being shy. I used to think it was a dirty word. I used to think that for me to say I was shy and quiet was embarrassing but not any more. I'm okay with saying, 'hey my name's Charlotte I like books and acting but if you find me in a large crowd I'm probably not going to speak to anyone because I'm a quiet, shy person'. And you should all be okay with that too.

If we want girls to be comfortable in their bodies no matter what size their jeans are and if we want people to be able to be okay with being part of the LGBTIQ community then why can't I be okay with being shy? Why do I have to be told that my natural state of shyness is bad? I know people might think I'll be happier if I'm just a bit louder or that I'm shy because I'm insecure but that's not the case. Some of us are born shy and some of us aren't. Don't try and change me if you wouldn't want to change yourself.

Next time someone tries to tell you that its a bad thing to be shy or that you just need to be a bit more confident give them the flick. If you hate being shy then that's okay, if you want to be one of the loud people then that's okay I'm not trying to stop you from trying to do that. All I'm saying is that if you are shy and you honestly don't see any problem with your shyness except for when people tell you otherwise then just embrace it. It has its perks and yes it has its downsides but just like someone might have a wicked sense of humour it's you and you do not need to change if you don't want to.

Where Do Fictional Characters Go When They Die?

I'm answering the big questions.

Where do we go when we die? This is a question which most of us have thought about at least once. It's something that scares us immensely. Sometimes we feel pressured to believe that there's life after death or that there's a big fat nothing. It's a topic that can divide people and ruin relationships. It can keep us safe (when you're not sure whether there's anything after you cork it you're not exactly jumping up and down to find out). But there's no denying there is no one answer, or belief in terms of where people go or don't go when they say toodaloo to planet earth.

For me it's easy. I believe that when we die we go to heaven or somewhere nice. I have complete faith in this and it doesn't keep me up at night. Why do I think this way? Well I am a Catholic and believe in God and the whole eternal life thing but I just cannot believe that this is it. That when I breath my last breath I will never think or talk or interact again. I demand the pearly gates to heaven. But something that does plague me, that leaves me scratching my head and begging for answers is where exactly do fictional characters go when they die?

No I am not crazy. No I do not need any psychiatric help. I am just a girl who loves books and the characters in them and when they die I want to know where they scamper off to.

It's perfectly rational to want to know. After all so many of my beloved characters seem to get killed off (dear authors if you are reading this, the deaths you are causing are becoming just a bit too much and we need to have a talk about it next time we catch up) and I am simply concerned.

I invest hours of time into these figments of an authors imagination that get put onto paper and then passed around the world; and then when they are booted off the face of the earth I would like to know where they end up. I want to know if they're safe. If they're having a good time. Are they drinking pina colada's and getting caught in the rain? THESE ARE THE BIG QUESTIONS PEOPLE. Stop worry about where you go to or whether you are going to be content. Not everything is about you, you, you!

But it's not only the characters who die in the novels that I worry about. It's all of them. When I close the book do the lucky ones who didn't suffer at the hands of John Green or Suzanne Collins live on? Have they been living prior to my picking up the book? Will they die someday? I like to think they all have happy ever afters but will they actually live them? And if they do will they then die? Because we all know once you do enough living death is inevitable. Or how about how they die? Will it be gentle and in old age? Or will they get hit by a bus. Once you start asking yourself these sorts of questions life just isn't the same, your brain has to work ten times harder and your poor little heart is on the verge of combustion. WHEN WILL MY SUFFERING END?

You may say to me "But you believe in everlasting life, in a heaven for yourself. Why don't you believe this is the same for your beloved characters?" I understand where you are coming from and why you may be confused but dear friends my brain is not any normal brain. For some reason I cannot set my heart at ease, give me a night of peace by convincing myself that fictional characters go to fandom heaven or normal heaven or just some sort of heaven. Why? Well here's my main arguments. Not all these characters live on planet earth, not all of them believe in heaven and worst of all these characters do not live in my world, they live in the pages of a book. There is no Bible or Wikipedia page or yahoo answer by a dodgy 14 year old boy about where fictional characters go when they die. No one seems to care. But I do. I care. I am tossing and turning and pulling my hair out and in general losing my mind. SOMEONE GIVE ME ANSWERS. GIVE ME PROOF. SET ME AT EASE.

I am at a loss. I love to read. But the more books I read the more characters I encounter which means I have more characters to worry about in terms of death and everlasting life. I am trying to move on, to worry about other things, like will I get accepted into University or why is my house on fire, but I just can't. I'll be walking down the road having a good old time and then I'll pass a book store and see a copy of my favourite book. This should make me happy. I should smile and say "Oh look it's Suzanne Collins The Hunger Games! Oh and look there's Rebecca's James' Beautiful Malice, what a good time I had reading those books, oh how much I love them." But no! No I see these books and my hands start to shake and my body begins to quiver and fur starts sprouting all over my body and then I turn into a werewolf. Hang on wait. No that's not right. Sorry I was thinking about Twilight oops. No see what happens for me is I start worrying about the characters that died in these books and how they're going and are they floating on a cloud conversing with the Big Man? Then I begin to have a full blown panic attack and I have to go home and I don't get any ice-cream. I know it's a tragedy.

Please tell me your thoughts. What do you believe happens to fictional characters when they die? Are you stressing out like me? Or DO YOU NOT HAVE A HEART.

xoxo Fangirl Out.

My Christmas List Fangirl Style

Ho Ho Ho! 

So it's that time of year again. The weather is frosty, the snow is falling (not in my case because I live in Australia where we get a hot, fly filled Christmas), Santa has made his list and he's checking it twice and believe me he has found out who's been naughty and nice. Cookies are being made, presents are being wrapped and you've probably eaten more than you should have and seen all those relatives who you struggle to remember the names of. But it's all okay because it's Christmas and while it may be incredibly stressful and somewhat exhausting you grin and bear it because Santa is coming soon and well let's face it, Christmas just isn't complete without all the hassle. A lot of us celebrate Christmas differently. For some of us it's about the birth of Christ, for other's its about getting to see our family and for the more shallow it's about the gifts. But I think what we all can relate to is that it is a time of giving. So this is the things I think you should be including on your Christmas list this year if you're the fangirl type. By the way I am not sponsored by any of these but I'm open to it ;).

1. The Mortal Instruments on DVD. If you haven't purchased this wonderful piece of amazing yet, maybe like me you're banned from buying yourself anything from November 30th to December 26th by your parents, put it on your list. While the movie was a little different from the book I found it very, very enjoyable and I have put it at the very top of my list. Plus I need some Jamie Campell Bower to get through post holiday depression.

2. Movie vouchers/gift card. After Christmas we're all usually a little strapped for cash but there's always that one rich friend who is still rolling in it (p.s dear rich friends I hate you). Said rich friends have been known to casually suggest hitting up a movie. Now we all know that movies are getting pricier and pricier and the food there... I can't even talk about it, the prices make me want to cry. However if you ask for a movie voucher or a movie gift card you won't have to worry. It's a great gift to give as well, it never disappoints especially since so many great movies come out after Christmas.

3. Fandom shirts. I LOVE FANDOM SHIRTS. I'm not a big merch buyer but fandom shirts make me giddy. If you're looking for a great place but don't know any try here: http://en.qstoms.com/imaginedesigns they're cheap and I'm pretty sure if you ask nicely you can get them custom made. My favourite one is the 'Tumblr is my OTP' shirt and I plan on buying it after Christmas when I have a little money from my Nan (love you Nanna)!

4. Fangirl by Rainbow Rowell. I've seen this around for a couple months now and while I'm not putting it on my list I'm sure many of you would be interested in it. According to goodreads it's a  "A coming-of-age tale of fan fiction, family and first love.". Definitely one us fangirls.

5. Things to get you up to date. Next year a whole bunch of amazing fandom related things come out so here's what you'll need if you don't want to be left out. A copy of the Divergent series. Divergent's movie comes out in March next year and is set to be BIG. Maybe not as big as Twilight, Harry Potter or even Hunger Games but still BIG in it's own right and probably really, really awesome so why would you want to miss out? 

The Fault In Our Stars by John Green. This book is a whole new kind of magic and sadness and you don't want to miss a second of it. Read the book before the movie comes out in June but I'm telling you this is something you won't forget and I'm pretty sure it's gonna to be a BIG hit. It also stars two of Divergents stars as the lead roles. While I was hesitant about the casting for this movie in the beginning from watching the actors a little more closely and adjusting somewhat I am actually really happy. 

The Mortal Instruments last book comes out next year and hopefully the second movie so make sure you read the whole series by City of Heavenly Fire's release somewhere during March, May or April; I just plain can't remember. Nevertheless go buy the whole series it's amazing. 

A new season of Sherlock starts in January so make sure if you aren't caught up already you get to it. I know I have to. The DVD would be a great present to put on your list.

6.  If you truly can't think of anything you want for Christmas this year just ask for a book gift card. That way you'll be able to chose the books you want and you can get any that come out later in the year. 

Well that's what I think y'all should have on your list this year. I hope you all have a very Merry Christmas and a happy new year. Also happy holidays to all you fangirls who don't celebrate Christmas and maybe do things a little differently, I hope you all have a great time. Also on a serious note please stay safe. This time of year is very dangerous road wise and also some people can out do themselves during Christmas with the food and drink. While I believe Christmas is  a time for indulgence, safety should be considered. Keep an eye on your family members who maybe aren't doing too well and remember this is a time of love and it's not all about the presents.

xoxo Fangirl Out.

Honorable mentions:

http://www.cafepress.com.au/mf/28904873/otp-eurostyle_sticker?productId=279131553 This sticker is super cute but may be a little hard to describe to Mum, Dad and Santa.
http://www.pinterest.com/pin/21181060721229490/ For all you Marvel fans this is for you. The only thing is I don't know where you'd get it from.
http://www.pinterest.com/pin/21181060721229463/ These are super fun and seem easy to assemble ;)